Out of my way, Exam P!

I PASSED THE FIRST ACTUARIAL EXAM!! Oh my goodness, I cannot tell you what a relief this is.

I made it to the University of Utah in Salt Lake an hour ahead of schedule to give myself time to get lost. No trouble came to me, thankfully.

I tried to feel calm, but of course my blood sizzled with anxiety and anticipation with each passing minute. The proctors let me start my test early, perhaps because they weren’t at full capacity. I placed my belongings in a locker, stepped into the testing room, sat down, and got started.

The first half of the exam felt very familiar and very manageable. In fact, I made really good time until I got to about eight or ten problems remaining. Then, I spent a bit too much time on a few problems and got off schedule, leaving me only ten minutes at the end for the last three questions. Since you have to allow about six minutes per question, this was not a good sign, and I began to panic. But I looked at the problems quickly, went with intuition, and had to end at the three hour mark.

And then this ridiculous and unwelcome screen appeared.

INTERMISSION: Hey, here’s a 15 question survey about your testing experience before we show you your score. Sound good?

ME: No.

I went through that survey like lightning. All I cared about was seeing the word "pass" (or "fail").

It’s hard to describe the anxiety I felt before that final screen showed up. Because the last handful of problems proved challenging, I thought for sure I failed and would be retaking Exam P in January. I clicked “Next.”

“Congratulations!”

I literally put both hands to my mouth and lost my breath. I stared at the screen for 15 seconds and took it in. I couldn’t believe my eyes. I passed! Clear as day, there it was on my computer screen. I passed.

Gaining control, I exited the room, finished checking out, and left the center. Immediately, I phoned Karen.

KAREN: Hello?

ME: I passed!

KAREN: You passed! Oh my goodness, that’s amazing! You passed! Oh honey, I’m so proud of you!

We talked briefly and then I went into the bathroom. I found a stall and immediately said a silent prayer. I felt so grateful that I almost cried. (I can be a pretty emotional person. Ask Karen.)

It’s impossible to explain the feelings Karen and I invested in this exam and what feelings came as a result of my success. Fifteen or sixteen months ago, I told a job interviewer that I wanted to be an actuary and that I figured five to ten years would probably be enough time to see me through to that. Now, about a year later, I am halfway through my second bachelor’s degree—having started it only ten or eleven months ago—and I have passed the first actuarial exam. If ever there was a young family that had an immeasurable heap of blessings to be grateful for, it is us. So much has happened since I was laid off a year ago, and so many great things keep happening. As much as I feared November 17 since a few months ago, it quickly became a day we will never forget.

I spent the entire drive home talking on my phone as I shared the news. Even though I had my iPod for music, I hardly used it. But about two minutes away from home, I decided to listen to one song. I turned on The Avett Brothers’ “The Once and Future Carpenter” and heard this line:

If I live the life I’m given, I won’t be scared to die.

Karen and I knelt at our bedside last night and prayed together. In our own way, we gave the Lord the exam and asked that He do with it whatever He pleased. We committed to be okay with whatever the outcome. But at the same time, we realized that this wasn’t our entire life. It was just one small part. Life is about living and experiencing from day to day, and, as such, putting all our emotions and happiness on this exam would have been pointless and potentially damaging. So it is with many of life’s adventures, I guess. “If I live the life I’m given, I won’t be scared to die.” Or, I won’t be scared to fail on a given day.

Later tonight, at a church meeting (stake conference evening session), I heard the choir sing “Praise to the Lord, the Almighty”, which struck me and made me pause.

Hast thou not seen

How all thou needest hath been

Granted in what he ordaineth?

Praise to the Lord, who doth prosper thy way and defend thee.

Surely his goodness and mercy shall ever attend thee.

Ponder anew

What the Almighty can do . . . .

I know people who have not yet passed Exam P. I don’t know what sets me apart from them, but I do know that, as the brother of Jared said thousands of years ago, “O Lord, . . . thou hast all power, and can do whatsoever thou wilt for the benefit of man” (Ether 3:4). For some reason, this is the right thing for us right now. And we can't be more thrilled.

Movies about fish and other things that make me emotional

Let me just say what's on my mind for a moment.

Matt Nielsen, a roommate of mine from my time at BYU and a genius in terms of writing music and all things sound, asked me a question about four or five years ago. "Have you ever heard a song that you really identified with?" He told me that Coldplay's "Amsterdam" does that for him. I don't think I ever gave him an answer, but recently I think I acknowledged my "Amsterdam."

I've had John Mayer's album Continuum for several years and it's about the only music by him that I have. The song "Stop This Train" really hits home for me. Every time it comes into my iTunes playlist (once in a great while), I stop and listen to it. Every time. I stop and consider the words.

Our fridge broke recently. Or, rather, it had another broken part that needed replacement. It was a new fridge, maybe two months old, and it needed a repair about one month into its life. This was after our other fridge died. If you can follow that, that's two months and three breaks. Which means having to throw out food three times in two months.

It's not the worst thing that's ever happened to us, but sometimes I sit back and wonder why silly things like this happen. (I mean, come on, what are the odds of three fridge problems in two months?) And when I feel stressed or overburdened, I like to think about my childhood—when things were simpler. Often I find myself longing for that simple mindset again, when my only worries were what are we going to do for fun today and what's for dinner.

But I guess John Mayer must feel the same way sometimes. Every time a particular part of the song comes on, I really stop and feel it:

Had a talk with my old man
Said help me understand
He said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in

It's a reminder that while I have hard times now and the past feels much simpler and much easier to handle, I should cherish every moment. Cliché, I know, but that's the reality of it. Dennis, in fact, reminded me once or twice that I should enjoy Rich how he is now because he'll grow up before I know it. And since he's almost walking, I'm starting to think Dennis is right.

I take some media very personally, like this song by John Mayer. To my recollection, Finding Nemo is the only movie I ever shed tears during. It's embarrassing, but true. And the ending of It's a Wonderful Life always levels me.

So what about you? Is there a song that you really identify with for some reason?